Of Lies and Pies

           Playing people is simple, really.  Quite like playing music.  If you've got a lot of natural talent, sometimes you don't even need to practice.
           Of course, that's an arrogant way to think.  If you don't practice, you tend to lose your touch.
           This is a story of conmen and victims, of heists and losses.
           But above all, this is a story of the (alleged) crime of hubris.
***
           Joseph's meeting had not gone well.
           She would be the first to admit that, yes Joseph was an unusual name for a woman.  Yes, she would probably have a much easier time if she changed her name.  No, she would not change it, it was her name, but thank you for your interest now if you will excuse her she has another meeting in twenty minutes.
           Her job had been hard to get.  Keeping it was quite the chore.
           She leaned over the bar, gesturing to Tim.  She'd known Tim for a few years -they'd gone to law school together, in fact- and he was one of her few close friends in this city.
    Unlike the guy beside her.  He’d apparently only caught her first name before deciding to start conversation.
    “You know, Jose-”
    “Fuck off.”
    “Ah, I guess you-”
    “Did I fucking stutter?”
    The mystery man shut up, but did not leave.  Which was fairly typical for them, really.  They all thought they were clever.   Yes, Joseph is an unusual name for a woman now kindly fuck oh for fuck`s sake here comes another one.
    “Excuse me, did you-”
    “YES FOR FUCK’S SAKE.  I AM QUITE AWARE I DO NOT HAVE A FEMININE NAME.”
    The newcomer looked rather baffled.  “I-I’m sorry, ma’am.  I was just going to ask if you’d seen a watch around here somewhere.”
    Joseph blinked.  Polite conversation while she was drinking was somewhat refreshing.  “N-no, I’m afraid I haven’t.”  She blushed.  “Look, I’m sorry about the outburst.  It... It’s a problem.”
    The watch guy grinned.  “I can tell, Miss...?”
    “Wu.  Joseph Wu.”  Joseph stuck her hand out.
    Watch guy took it.  “Matthew Robinson.  Charmed.”  He shook Joseph’s hand enthusiastically.  “You don’t look like the sort who would like being called Joe or Josie.”
    “Oh god, don’t get me started on that.  I grew up with so many Pussycat jokes, you can’t even begin to imagine.”
    Matthew stuck his tongue out.  “I don’t think I’d want to, either.  I never particularly liked Archie comics, really.”
    “Hah!  I’m probably a tad biased, but neither did I.”  Joseph sipped her beer.  “I was the wierd girl, though.  I liked Punisher.”
    “So did I!  I’ll have to admit, though, I’m not fond of much else Garth Ennis has done.”
    “Oh, you don’t know what you’re missing.  Seriously, look at Preacher...”
   
    The night went on like this for some time, topic blending into topic, drink into drink, minutes into hours... until last call arrived, quite unexpectedly.
    They finished their drinks, said their goodbyes... and promptly headed in the same direction.  Several moments of awkwardness resulted, and as they began walking again, it soon became clear that they lived in different buildings of the same complex.
    This awkwardness was mildly heightened when Joseph looked out her kitchen window several minutes later, only to see Matthew taking his shirt off immediately across the road.

***
    A few weeks went by with the two of them hanging out every so often.
    It was Tuesday.
    Tuesday was the day where everything changed.

***

    It started like most others, with Joseph swearing as she ran from the bus stop to her office in the rain.  In her hurry, she bumped into someone, spilling coffee all over him.
    “Oh my god, I’m so sorry sir if you’ll ju-MATTHEW?”
    Matthew stared at her.  “What are you doing here?”
    “I work here!”
    “Funny.  So do I.”  The corners of his mouth twitched up in a grin.  “Hey, want to come over for dinner tonight?  My brother was supposed to come visit, but his wife came down with the flu, so I’ve got a ton of groceries and nobody to cook for.”
    Joseph blinked.  “Uh... sure.  I’m sorry about your jacket, by the way.”
    “Oh, don’t worry.  It’s just a raincoat, it’s not like I’m going to be wearing it around the office.  So, six sound good?”
    “Y-yeah, sure.  I’ll see you then, I guess?”
    Matthew waved over his shoulder in response, already scurrying towards his office.
    “Well... that was abrupt.”

***

    The rest of the day passed fairly uneventfully, with fortunately few run-ins with her manager.
    The commute home was much better than the work commute.  The rain had cleared up, which was good, since at this time of year the tunnels between the buildings tended to get pretty stuffy.  By the time six had rolled around, Joseph was knocking at Matthew’s door, having traded her long work skirt for a pair of jeans.
    Matthew opened the door almost immediately, the smell of baking wafting into the hallway.  “Hey!  How was work?”
    “Oh, you know, boring.”  Joseph stepped into the apartment, noting that all the furniture consisted of reclining couches and .  “God, that smells amazing.  What are we having?”
    “French onion soup, steaks, and apple pie.”  His smile slipped for a moment.  “Shit, I forgot to ask if you’re a vegetarian.”
    “Nope.  Steak’s great.”  Joseph pulled up one of the swivel chairs.  “So, you work legal too, eh?”
    “Consultant, actually.”  Matthew flopped lazily into a recliner.  “I consult on cases regarding conpersons.”
    Joseph cocked an eyebrow.  “Interesting specialty.”
    “Oh, yeah.  I used to be a conman myself, actually.  Loads of first-hand experience.
    Joseph tilted her head.  “And we trust you with sensitive legal information?”
    Matthew leaned back into his chair.  “I’m like the lovechild of Loki and Saruman.”  The corner of his mouth twitched upwards.  “Barring biological and cross-universe impossibilities, of course.”